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Pardon the dust ’round here. I know it’s been quite some time. The thing is…
I have oh so much to say and far too little organizational tools in my headspace right now to put anything down that feels jointed. So, while I fly through my day (and that’s just about exactly what it feels like) I come across huge thoughts and bits of introspect that often times stop me right in my tracks, but while I ponder and brood over it … I’m off and brooding over sumpin’ else. Then two weeks fly by. Or 4. Then I’m here — ‘splainin’ where I’ve been.
I’ll be honest too. I’ve had some rough weeks. I’ve soaked a few bits of tissue in both the good and the not so good. But I love that the good trumps the bad. The good carries weight. I can FEEL it’s sway. God has been hard at work on me. It’s like He has His big index finger, dipped in my chest, swirling and twirling and whirling it around in a slow rotation that becomes more and more visible the longer He does it, like a plume of water in a vortex.
Pleading. Begging. God, use me, show me, make me an implementer, an instrument. Bring good here. Show light here where it’s dark. Use this tiny little story of mine and make it seriously significant………………
……….USE ME!
(and He is.)
When we are immersed in the worst of something, we resolve ourselves to being inadequate of repairing … well, anything. (We get wilty and weak.)
But show up and stand tall to the good in something, and we move towards the best in … everything. I’m ready to move towards the best in everything. I just am.
One of my favorites ::
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Lord make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred let me sow love.
Where there is injury, pardon.
Where there is doubt, faith.
Where there is despair, hope.
Where there is darkness, light.
And where there is sadness, joy.
Oh, divine master grant that I may
not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
To be loved as to love
For it is in giving that we receive-
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.
And it’s in dying that we are born to eternal life.
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The last few weeks have been FULL. There have been birthdays and celebrations and long drives and 3 hour dinners, late night talks and amazing time with family. I’ve wrapped my arms around all of my incredible (local) friends and really put solid energy into spending quality time with them. I’ve encountered some of the most stouthearted people. Warriors in Christ. New friends that have truly become underpinnings and reinforcements when I’ve literally felt like my legs had fallen out from under me. I’ve been devoted to creating tribute to these people. MEMORIES. Chances to eat and laugh and contemplate and muse on. I let myself dream with them, beyond cancer deadlines and looming diagnosis. Outside of fear and worry and things that are not mine to control. God has chosen soldiers for me in this season. Do you know what a soldier is? It’s someone who fights FOR you.
My gosh, I’m thankful. I am LEARNING. And my heart is FULL.
…
I spend a lot of time now thinking of when I’ve been my most happiest. Do you know when yours was? I reflect back on snipits that really stand out to me. I think this is probably a normal phase for someone in my place right now. I let myself go backwards here, even though I am facing forward with all my might. I know that I believe that God is good (abundantly good!) and has purpose. I know I’ve asked a thousand times in the last year, why He would allow turmoil or induct a season that has no worth or contribution to my future. That’s just it, He doesn’t. The Hebrews felt that the future was not whole without the past. I’m in the same boat. It all leads here. Now… live intentionally.
For me, I’m cataloging. I’m allowing myself valid nostalgia. I think about peanut butter and banana sandwiches in the back yard when I was little. Of hanging on the fence hollaring out to my friends who lived on the other side. Of my yellow banana seat bike that I rode for hundreds of miles. I think about my childhood dog, Sam, and how she trompled behind my brother and I throughout the neighborhood, wherever our tireless feet would take us. I think about swimming with my dad as he tirelessly dropped quarters for us to race and find at the bottom of the pool. I think about what a treat it was to stop at 31 flavors for rainbow sherbet. I remember tapping morse code messages on the wall in my bedroom at night to my brother on the other side. I think about Camp Tadmor and my summers spent giggling over boys and Wet N Wild shimmer lip gloss. I remember bike rides to the Pole Pedal Paddle and fireworks off the butte … spending warm twilights at the softball fields collecting pop cans to buy Pixie Stix and licorice ropes. I remember spending every July at Trinity Lake, where I would crush on a different boy each year, drink my first beer and worry about nothing but my tan and my hair.
Mmmmmm, isn’t the good, GOOD? What are YOURS?
Go on you peeps of awesomeness…
continue being remarkable.
be lionhearted.
be present… here… now.
be kind.
be you.
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You are beautiful.
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Thanks for the update! Still praying for you and yours..
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He is using you.. More than you know. Thank you. Thank you. You have an inspiration that is beyond anything I know…
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I don’t know you but I FEEL you. I watched your video last night and literally cried my eyes out at the kitchen sink for 30 mins. I, too, have two beautiful boys and cannot imagine the hurt, fear, and wonder you must be feeling as you fight this fight. I think that you are brave, strong, and powerful. You are probably more YOU now than you have ever been, and everything you are wanting to share and wanting people to think of you and your “cause” – we do. We think you are a fighter. None of us want to be where you are – EVER. We all hurt for you, and are proud of you. You, to me, are a perfect stranger. I wish and hope and pray for all things good to find you. I pray for God to continue to pour his strength into you because you are having a tremendous impact. I am sorry that this picked you. So many blessings to you and your family…
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Hi there. I do not know you, but I spent yesterday reading your blog from start to finish. You are such an inspiration and a truly amazing woman. It sounds like you have wonderful family and friends, an amazing support system. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you, your precious sons, all of your family, and your caring friends- and I will continue to do so everyday. May God give you all peace and strength. Thank you for the update and the words of wisdom.
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Jst read my daily dose of Jen and boy do you make my hamster in my head spin on his wheel hard. You took me for a ride down memory lane. I loved coming to see you at Christmas time when we were kids. The one time we went to the ice caves. I was so scared and you were so brave. It was cold and dark but I will never forget it. Camping and watching you be affraid to swim and now I truely think you are not affraid of anything. Speaking through the computer with you for the first time in years before skype. I was amazed that we had that technology. Getting a quick hug when you were at a convention in Las Vegas. Times I am thankful for. Watching my daughter grow into thee most caring person I know. She will not stop fighting for you. She is on a mission, Gods Mission. I love you and miss you everyday. Take care.
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So happy to see an update. God IS using you. Stay strong.
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Jen, so happy to read your post. So happy to know you are finding strength in Christ.
Even though I live far from you, you are in our heart and prayers. You are in my prayer chain, a class of 8th graders keep you in their nightly prayers. Keep your heart open to Christ. He will help guide you through this yucky journey. Peace -
Oh, this was so good to read. You are good! Keeping you and yours in my prayers, Jen!
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You have an amazing strength and FAITH in God that can move mountians. I hope your on a healing road now Jen. God Bles you..
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sending love and hope and life and light and enough eff to last always cheers to you your courage your strength and your wisdom
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Happy Mother’s Day to you! Jen, I don’t know you but have been following your story since the beginning…God is working through you, with you and FOR you! For every time I check in on you, my faith is renewed, my spirit lifted, and my belief in Him strengthened. Thank you for sharing your life + wit(!) + insight with complete strangers…and know that there are a lot us out here praying for you and cheering you on every step of the way! Keep it up girl–you are awesome!!!
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Stay positive sweetie – I am a photographer living with stage 3A triple negative breast cancer. One yr ago today I got the phone call so I understand what you are going through – I finished my treatments but will never be told I am cancer free because of the TN label!!!!! I am told no disease detected. Stay strong – EFF cancer!!!!!!
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Tears just rolling down my cheeks as I read your blog. You remind me of myself with your childhood memories. Just a little girl, living in a care free world not very long ago. You are beautiful. You are an inspiration to people you will never meet. I want you to know even though we will never meet either, I feel like I’ve known you forever. I make a promise to pray for you daily, and for your sweet boys. I am a mother of 2 and I feel your worries, concerns, fear & love. Stay strong, remember you are not going through this alone & when you are too weak to walk somedays, allow those who love you to carry you through. God Bless you and your family.
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I can’t tell you how much of my heart is sending good thoughts your way. Positive energy…whatever. I’m pulling from you from Portland.
I wish I had more to give….Hang in there. We’re all thinking about you.
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Jen – you are a bright spot. You are.
I saw your video when it first launched as a long time Kubota fan and a fellow photographer peer. I’ve been on the fringe sending you good vibes, hopeful vibes, virtual hugs and just good energy… I don’t know the words but I know the feelings as a pang of hurt and a bunch of hope for you and your family. I am a mom to two girls, twins they are 6 years old. I’m a wife. I don’t know what I would do under similar circumstances, but I see your strength, your fight – it’s inspiring.
Today I shared your story on my Facebook page, on Twitter, and found your blog through another photography peer – grateful I did (shared that too on the social media airwaves including Pinterest and Facebook). You are beautiful, real, full of wisdom, and most of all sharing incredible lessons on perspective.
I donated to you today thanks to Photodough as well and shared that others could do the same. I hope they do and know they will
May the next phase of this battle go as smoothly and triumphantly as possible.
You are brilliant and we are listening to the messages that are coming from your journey. We are here (following your words and those of your family and friends on this blog), we are praying, we care:) -
“Am I Still a Girl?” you ask. You know what? YES. You are who you are by birth, not by the mandates of a disease that has no earthly right to reside in you. From what I’ve seen you’re a fighter so keep it up!
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Thank you so much for posting about your journey. I saw your blog on a Pinterest pin. I am fighting breast cancer, myself – and like you, am a woman of faith. My motto on this journey is, “Let your faith be stronger than your fear.” God bless you, sister, as you battle on. You’re in my prayers!
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First time visiting here and have spent an hour scrolling through your posts… what an inspiration you are. We lost a daughter several years ago and that loss taught us to live much the way you do. For every day and fully. Wishing you many, many years of living life this way.
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Hello.
I am visiting via Ashley at Tatertots & Jello.
I am sending all my prayers to you and your family. I will be passing on you donation information. I hope it helps.Oregon girl. Touched by cancer.
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Second Attempt..found your Blog.. LLB..I am RN..currently Home, due to Injury..on the Job…Trying to read your Blog..
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Trying..to write..comment..Cannot..get through..IPad2, AT&T ..Saving..all info!!..for both Apple IPad2..AT&T..I, want to Comment, relate, Support You!! My Dad’s Sister ..same Dx..Lived Many Yrs..
